Sarah was the last student to leave study hall. She asked to use the bathroom as a final request. When she exited the restroom, all the lights were off and many of the gates had been locked to the upper and lower floors. An icy finger slowly crept up her back as she replayed, in her mind, the many horror films she'd seen on weekends. She ran back to the classroom to find comfort in her teacher, except he wasn't there. Panic hit and Sarah froze, not thinking coherently and wondering if the approaching squealing sound was real or her imagination. She took solace in the thought of the nearest exit door and made a sprint. Locker doors were slamming shut, and wet sloshing sounds were echoing in all the halls. As Sarah turned the final corner of this horror story, she ran straight into the thing she feared did not exist. She screamed as she fell, fearing for her life, not wanting to stare into the eyes of the demon...only to see it was the janitor.
As I mentioned in Class, Your description fits the assignment really well. It is the perfect length and a very vivid description. I am able to put myself in Sarah's shoes and actually experience her panic. This is clearly the story of a woman who is alone in a cold environment who feels defenseless.
ReplyDeleteThe way you bring it to life is in the way you set up the situation, explaining how it was dark, there were chains on some doors, illustrate that she was alone, etc... The paragraph does create an emotional response in that we become nervous and anticipate something scary. It is a releif to this reader that the noises she was hearing were merely the janitor.
One of the descriptions that struck a chord with me was early on, when you described "An icy finger slowly crept up her back." I can virtually feel it.
As far as imporvement, It could be a bit awkward saying that she was the last to leave study hall, and that she asked for permissionto use the restroom, it gets a little bulky. You may just establish that she was the last one left in the building.
The only other thing that I wondered about was where you say"...she ran straight into the thing she feared did not exist...." It doesn't make sense to me that she would fear that it doesn't exist...
All in all, I really like it and think you did a great job.
Suzi T.